When I set out on my journey to have a child I didn’t realize the challenges it would bring. As soon as I found out my body did not want to cooperate with my intentions of conceiving a child, a culmination of emotions waved in and out of my heart. I experienced surprising thoughts. What did I do wrong? Why didn’t we try sooner? What if I never have kids? I felt anger for having taken my fertility for granted. I had felt young and healthy at the age of 36, and wasn’t it more common for a woman to start a family after her mind 30’s these days?
My heart broke, what had I done? I just lived 3 beautiful years full of adventure, fun and love with my husband, building a strong foundation to support a family. I shamed myself for wanting to have our wedding before we started a family, child free so I could have fun…
A vision for the future now looking unfamiliar; a new path to journey down. My level of acceptance of uncertainty in life forced to broaden. A sense of loss and grief existing amongst the hope in my heart.
Along our new path I experienced moments of let downs, heart ache, grief, anger, shaming internal dialogue, desperate googling and fear that took my breath away. I felt so powerless in these moments. My thoughts and emotions were wrapped tightly with having a baby, no matter how quiet the whisper, in the back of my mind it was always there. I didn’t want to feel at the mercy of my diagnosis and it didn’t feel kind to engage with my inner negative thoughts and emotions that shamed me.
I was thankful for my coaching mindset that allowed me to ask, Why is this happening FOR me? It was with this question that I felt I could take some of my power back from this situation that was heavy with uncertainty, which had me questioning how I would cope if we couldn’t have OUR baby. My spiritual beliefs reminded me that everything happens for a reason and that life does not give us what we can not handle. With all this in mind, I placed my energy towards creating space for my emotions to process what was happening. I practiced self love that built self trust and confidence that I can handle whatever is coming my way. I strengthened my belief that no matter how this story ends my highest good is being looked after. I began to trust myself enough that I will be able to embrace whatever is coming my way with peace and happiness.
So why did this happen for me? What did I learn? I truly believe I was meant to go through the heartache, shock, disbelief and loss that infertility brings, so that I may use my skills, knowledge and experience to support other women on their fertility journeys. I learned it was important to place my focus towards who and how I wanted to be through this challenging time. I learned how I wanted to engage with my thoughts, feelings and emotions; if I didn’t, I would lose myself and my identity to heartache. I would live desperately looking outwards for signs and confirmation of my desired outcome and my emotional grip on having my biological child would remain tight and draining.
As I took note on the impact on my emotions, actions, thoughts of over two years of trying to conceive, I wondered how the rest of you were fairing? I wonder who do we become on this journey? How does this impact our lives, our relationships, our careers, our joy? What happens to those years of our life? I believe you all have the same goal as me, to welcome a child, however it comes into your life with a happy loving heart. I don’t want you to have to wait for that moment, my wish is to help you live with joy and happiness now, amongst the strenuous times that you may have to endure. I don’t want you to miss the present moment from being wrapped up in a painful fog. All we have is now and my goal is to help you live that moment presently, empowered and fully alive.
If you’re struggling on your path to build a family or create an addition, I want to help you take the reins of you life back, I want you to know you don’t have to feel at the mercy of your doctors words, I want you to know you don’t have to give up to let go, I want you to know you can balance more peace in your life amongst the uncertainty and all the emotions that this journey brings. I can support you through the waves of emotions to live more grounded and balanced. I can help you to embrace your difficult time and create an internal environment that optimizes conception.
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